I'm doing good. I hadn't really given a thought to this website in a long time. I move to London for uni in about 2 weeks. A big change 4 sure. I guess I'm coming back to this cuz I'm ready 2 talk like this again. Perhaps I just haven't had the desire to write 4 a while? Who knows, least of all me :p. I've forgotten just about everything I learned in html (not that it was a lot xD) but a year of not thinking about it will do that especially with how short lived the interest was. This whole website's vibe is funny; I'm not quite where I once was but some of the typing quirks have actually stuck. It's definitely a persona I was putting on 4 the screen but I don't think that was so bad. It had its purpose. Got me through a time where I could not at all express myself in public the way I wanted 2, but now I can what with being out publicly and all that. Almost 7 months on HRT now - things can change real fast. Whether better or worse its always quick. After being stuck in this solitary rut the freedom I have with my identity has felt almost overwhelming at times. It makes sense, after all, I've had to catch up with a childhood and early teenage years that I was never privvy to. Perhaps that's why things like this website took a backseat as I worked on myself in the real world before the digital. It's also likely why my previous digital persona was exaggerated, to make up 4 what I felt was lacking in the real world. I attempted to slot myself into the stereotype of an online trans girl, such an act that didnt really extend much further than this website and with other friend whom I felt comfortable enough around 2 morph my identity with. That's almost ironic; people so often talk about morphing ones identity 2 fit in with those they feel less safe with and yet 4 me it was the opposite. Granted, I was never morphing my identity 2 fit in with other people as much as I morphed it 2 fit in with my own ideal of what I wanted 2 be, given the circumstances.
I wasn't terrifically sad then but I wasn't happy either. I remember recently I looked back on a year old photo of myself and wondered how there was any happiness inside me at all. I was hit with a wave of gender dysphoria 4 a version of me that didn't exist anymore. It made me appreciate the significance of my transition and realise how bad my mental had truly been. It might sound like a difficult thing 2 reflect on and in some way it is, but I found it far more therapeutic to really allow myself 2 know that I am better and happier than where I was. Mind you, I still experience gender dysphoria. It's different parts of body than what it used to be but the feeling does pervade. Though its pervasiveness is far less significant in my overall fears and anxieties than what it once was. It has been largely overtaken by the combined fears of being trans and of being a woman. Fears of being assaulted or harassed, whether because I am a woman or because I am trans matters little, the fear is still oppressively present. I don't foresee that being something that can so easily be solved with a few months dosage of HRT. Regardless, my general happiness has increased exponentially. I was born with a pain and I never knew life without it. Only recently have I learned what life can feel like without that sear across my brain.
This was a pretty heavy post but hey, thats life. I think I can speak with more vulnerability than I used 2 on here because I have a confidence that secures me in myself that I did not have before. I'd like 2 continue this website now that I'm back but no promises; my life is about 2 change a lot again so who knows where I'll be in a year, hell, 6 months from now. Anywho if you're reading this thanks. Maybe it helps you, maybe it will only help me. I will say goodbye 4 now and perhaps, see u soon.
Ily guyysss (★ ω ★)